LIFETIME GUARANTEE

The choice of a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions that you will make during your life. Few decisions will have a greater impact on your potential happiness. This is why it is so urgent that you look very carefully before you jump into marriage.

Those who get lots of surprises after the wedding are the ones who tend to be more interested in the romance of courtship than in the “investigative” part of it. In fact, there are more people than you can imagine who truly believe that since “love can conquer all” looking into the past, the behavior, the values, the habits, etc. of the beloved aren’t at all important and only serve to get in the way of love. These persons plunge headlong into ill-advised relationships and wake up to their folly only when it’s already too late. It’s like rushing into a doomed business deal and realizing that it doesn’t stand a chance of succeeding only after you have invested all your savings in it.

Many people get trapped in the very outset. They get attracted physically and think, “This is it. It’s love at first sight and it cannot fail.”

Then, all their efforts go into preserving a beginning relationship at all costs. They refuse to ask too many questions about sensitive matters. They look the other way when the beloved behaves in troublesome and worrisome ways. It’s the “let’s-not-rock-the boat” syndrome.

There is a great effort to explain away the dark side of the beloved—the unrealistic grasping at unbelievable rationalizations for clearly unacceptable behavior. The classic example of this is the naive woman who falls in love with a hardcore drug addict who has been using for 20 years. She agrees to marry him because he has promised to stop after the wedding. He’s not working. His behavior is mostly outrageous. Still, she goes ahead and marries him only to learn that he never intended to stop using drugs.

I don’t believe in love at first sight. Attraction at first sight? Yes. Desire at first sight? Yes. But love? No. There is just too much to love for it to take root “at first sight.”

Whenever two people fall in love, they always impress each other. The beauty that is there for all to see stands out. The attractive character and personality traits come to the fore.

What is less obvious, however, is the dark side of a person—that which every person wants to hide in order to impress the unsuspecting. And let’s face it, all of us have our dark side. Those weaknesses that we would rather strangers not see. Those stupidities that we committed that we would rather that they not know. We all wish to impress others favorably and we therefore do all in our power to sweep under the rug those things that turn off people, especially the one we believe might be a candidate for a lifetime partnership.

These attempts to cover up may be alright in most circumstances. After all, who we really are is none of everyone’s business. But when choosing someone who will be a partner till death, that is something else again.

 COURTSHIP

-- Bob Garon

Believe it or not, but a very crucial time for the single person's happiness is the early days of courtship. Those first few meetings when two people are in the very early stages of getting to know each other.

I say this because far too many persons will quickly make up their minds that this guy, this girl, is it. Snap decisions about a man (or a woman) are made before knowing anything about him.

Women often get overly excited about men who show interest in them, are handsome, flatter them and show good manners. There is a tendency to "jump the gun" and begin thinking and behaving as though this is the man of their dreams. All too often, these eager women learn that the man of their dreams ends up becoming the devil of their nightmares. The same is true of men who are too quick with women who are sexy, pleasant, very feminine and seem vulnerable. They too often, too late, find that the woman isn't all that she seemed to be in the early days of the courtship.

The truth is that some persons carry red flags that should warn any thinking person to pull back immediately and get away before becoming entangled in a relationship that can only bring grief.

What causes some people (women especially, but men too) to plunge into an ill advised relationship is desperation and fear of never finding a mate. Despite the obvious warning signs, these individuals rush forward like waves of Japanese soldiers in a banzai attack intent on dying rather that retreating. Their friends look on in horror as they pursue the relationship despite their warnings. Sooner rather than later, they watch helplessly as they crash and burn.

People, young people especially, often do not understand that a relationship is a serious matter that can have far-reaching negative consequences. Young people look at love as very desirable, and it surely is that when it is done right by the right persons. But it isn't automatic. And it fails at least as often as it succeeds.

An incredible number of women think they can change a man. They become so excited over their new-found love that the heady feelings it generates cause them to overestimate their capabilities and to distort reality in order to fit it into their dreams. Well, it doesn't work out that way. In the end, they find themselves trapped in an undesirable relationship (or worse, a hellish marriage) regretting the day they met the man they fell head-over-heels for.

What is sad is that many of these warning signs are clear to anyone who cares to see. Problem is that when the love bug bites, it causes temporary blindness. And that often spells disaster. If only people could spot these red flags and have the discipline to step back before love blindness sets in, they would spare themselves a lot of pain.

 Part I -- Love as a mirage
By Bob Garon

You fall in love. Things happen so fast. Your love grows by leaps and bounds. You're as happy as can be. You sense that you are true soulmates and meant for each other since the beginning of time. The future never looked brighter. You see marriage in the works.

Then, one day you find yourself feeling very differently. Now, you are asking yourself if it was all a mirage, a cruel joke. You're feeling uneasy about your relationship. There is a measure of dissatisfaction that has set in. You even have some dark thoughts that maybe your love is beginning to fall apart. There are telltale signs of a deteriorating relationship. If one only pays attention you can surely tell when love is in a dive.

Since the question "does he still love me" is the most often asked question in my counseling, let me, in a series of articles, try to cover as many danger signs as possible.

The first and most obvious is a lessening of communication between you and your beloved. Less phone calls, less text messages and shorter ones at that, less meetings and less serious talk about the future.

When one partner is thinking or actually has begun the process of getting out, he will begin shutting down his communication. Communication is the life blood of any relationship. It is exceedingly difficult for love (or any relationship, for that matter) to survive if there is a lack of communication over an extended period of time. And so, when communication begins to shut down, that beginning is a definite sign that there is a problem in the relationship. As love grows, so too does meaningful communication. As love dies, so too does real communication.

This is especially true when the lack of communication is about expectations of each other. People in love have high expectations of each other. When they stop expecting much, that is a sign that they have given up hope. And when there is little or no hope for the future, one begins to think of getting out.

A lack or a lessening of communication may also be a sign of infidelity or a growing interest in someone else. When gripped by the intense feelings of new love, one loses interest in the old love. The heart is not made to be intensely given to more than one. Especially when it concerns married love, two hearts must remain as one and cannot be shared with another partner.

There where your heart is, will be your interest and, obviously, your most intense communication.

Part II -- Red flags

Another red flag that is an indicator of a shaky relationship is when you get the feeling that you are drifting apart. If you feel that way, chances are that your feelings are reflecting reality.

Remember that loving is not a science. It is an art with infinite variations and complexities. When you fell in love, you felt it before you could prove it. The same is true when you are falling out of love. You will feel it before you know for sure that your love is dying.

Many lovers sense the drift that is setting into their relationship, but they refuse to accept it. They are afraid to acknowledge that things are turning bad for them. There is always something dreamy about love, something unreal, something difficult to put your finger on. There is a lot of sensing that goes on, a lot of credence given to feelings. And that is the way it should be.

When you get that painful feeling in your gut that your partner is drifting from you, pay attention. More so if you feel that you are running out of gas when it comes to your relationship. Know then that if you neglect this sign, the drift will only accelerate and get a lot worse.

A third negative sign is you experience long periods of disappointment. Somehow, things are not working out the way you expected them to. If before, things were moving along well, now the opposite is true. A lot of your expectations have gone unmet, and that has meant disappointments, one after the other for quite a while.

That surely is a red flag that needs attention. It means that your love is shaky and headed for trouble. No love can bear too many disappointments without experiencing setbacks.

Next sign has to do with decision-making. The more your love progresses and moves forward, the more will you share important decision making. That is because people in love want to integrate themselves and become one. Deciding important matters together goes a long way in bringing that about.

When you feel a lot of resentment about your beloved because of unilateral decision-making that is a sign that your relationship isn't as healthy as you think it is. When your loved one makes his own decisions without consulting you first, this does not look good for the future. You can expect more of that later on. Unilateral decision making is also a sign of disrespect. If you truly respect a loved one you will not decide matters unilaterally.

Part III -- Up goes the red flag

A sure red flag indicating that your relationship needs some help is the feeling of being used. Example: I remember a woman telling me that nine out of ten dates ended up with sex. If he could not have sex, he would almost surely postpone the date or cut it short. The woman felt used, and rightly so.

Another example concerns a wealthy young man whose girlfriend expected a steady stream of gifts from him and, when he did not deliver often enough, she would show her disappointment.

Nobody likes to be used, least of all by someone who swears he loves you. If you feel that the person you love is using you that is an issue you need to address soonest. Perhaps that isn't the case but if you have a nagging feeling that he is using you, then that still remains a problem to be tackled.

Another sign of a weakening love is unexpected explosions. This is especially true if your partner wasn't behaving this way in the past. When unexpected and inexplicable explosions occur with increasing frequency, you know that there is a drop in the degree of love and respect. People in sound relationships do not blow up for seemingly no reason at all. Partners whose love for each other is diminishing however, are apt to experience just such happenings.

Feelings of discouragement are still another sign that all isn't well in a relationship. True love will necessarily have its down moments, but these times should not lead to discouragement. Instead, they are merely bumps in the road that are easily dealt with. They might even become building blocks to an even deeper love. When, however, discouragement and a sense of hopelessness set in, that is another story altogether. Discouragement is the direct opposite of the optimism that marks love at its very best.

Another bright red danger flag is the abuse of drugs, alcohol and gambling. When an addiction sets in and takes over as a priority, that surely spells trouble in any relationship. If you are in love with an addict, you must proceed with utmost care and never underestimate the power of an addiction to destroy a relationship. Never commit until he deals with his addiction and returns to a sober life. Anything less is asking for big trouble.

Part IV -- Red flags

When lovers are at the height of their caring for each other, they are constantly singing the praises of the beloved. They defend the beloved tooth and nail. It is very difficult to let them listen to reason if what you tell them is critical of the one they love.

When that changes, you know there is a problem in the relationship. When the praise turns to criticism; when it goes so far as public criticism, then you know that is a danger signal. Growing criticism of the beloved is a sign of dying love. It shows a lack of respect and admiration. These are sure signs of a shaky relationship.

When two people fall in love, they cannot get enough of each other. They go so far as neglecting their friends and family, just to spend time together. If the time comes that they no longer value those moments alone together, it is a sign of a diminishing love. Love seeks the beloved, and intense loving is characterized by a never ending desire to seek the presence of the beloved. Lovers want time to be alone together. They value and deeply appreciate being with the beloved and sharing those precious moments together. When that attitude changes, it is a danger sign that needs to be looked into and dealt with. The extreme example of this sort of neglect is the married man who seeks the presence of a mistress and avoids being alone together with his wife as much as possible.

Often this desire to avoid the beloved gives rise to another red flag: nagging. The nagger is almost always right. She speaks the truth and keeps repeating it over and over again to the point where the partner cannot stand hearing it anymore. So, he tries hard to avoid the nagger who is infuriated and, as a result she steps up her nagging, which only gives rise to more nagging.

When a relationship cools, effective communications start to become less and frequent and that is another danger sign: unspoken resentments. As anger over unresolved issues builds up, the lack of effective communications gives rise to resentments that remain unspoken. In time, however, as the conflict intensifies, these resentments might rise to the surface and break out in violent verbal fights. Even when, however, they remain simmering beneath the surface, they still put pressure on the relationship. Any hint of unspoken resentments should push a caring couple to unearth them and deal with them before they get out of hand.

Part V -- Red Flags

When a couple is deeply in love, they characteristically look to each other for support in any crisis. When love begins to wane, this interdependence becomes less and less. Instead, the couple will look outside of the relationship for the support they used to get from each other.

They will increasingly go to friends and family for help and consolation when any crisis befalls them. This turning from each other for support causes cracks in the relationship that threaten to become real gaps. When lovers are at the high point of their love, the interdependence is also at its greatest. When love falls, interdependence tends to drop as well. This is natural because just as love promotes closeness, conflict drives people apart. As the trust level of intense loving cools, the reliance on each other becomes less and less. Definitely a red flag is raised. 

If there is one sign of a deteriorating relationship, it is the loss of respect for one another. It begins with small signs of disrespect and escalates into more serious happenings. When two people fall in love, they are careful not to disrespect each other because they know that disrespect is death to a budding love. They instinctively know this and, as a consequence, they go out of their way to show great respect. When love begins to wane, however, it becomes more and more difficult to maintain a high level of respect. Perhaps it is because one's true colors become visible and negative feelings tend to be more difficult to manage.

When I hear a man speak to his wife in a disrespectful manner, it is a true sign of a love that is under stress. Love always shows respect, and great love is extraordinarily respectful.

Look at lovers who have a solid relationship and you will inevitably find a large measure of mutual respect. A couple whose love is dying is at the very opposite extreme. They seem to have lost even the most basic respect for each other. They find it difficult to hold to the simplest forms of politeness. They don't like each other and it shows in the way they treat each other.

In my more than forty years of counseling couples, I can tell if they have a chance at happiness by the level of mutual respect they have for each other. The greater the respect, the better the chances. And, sadly, those who show little or no respect rarely make it. Perhaps it is because we cannot love someone we do not respect. Neither can we accept "love" from someone who disrespects us because we know that disrespect is at the opposite end of the love spectrum.

Part VI -- Red Flags

I have used the following story many times to illustrate a point and I will do it again. I was at a friend's house one day having merienda. He was an executive of a prestigious corporation, but it soon became clear that he was not as successful with his married life as he was with his business affairs.

As we sat chatting, his wife served us snacks and coffee. Suddenly, she knocked over a glass and he snapped at her. "How stupid of you!" he shouted. The woman didn't respond but, humiliated and embarrassed, she quietly wiped the table and retreated into the kitchen. I was shocked because she was a kind and gentle woman who did not deserve to be treated in such a manner. The following day, this same executive called me and, in a panic, asked me to come to his home. I rushed to him and, as he wept, he showed me a note written by his wife. It simply read: "I'm leaving." She had packed her things and walked away, never to return.

You cannot demean the one you claim to love and expect to be believed. You cannot humiliate and disrespect a partner and expect to be loved indefinitely. We all have our limits, our breaking point beyond which we cannot be pushed.

When you can watch the one you love suffer and cry and not feel anything about her pain, your love should be questioned. At least the intensity of your love can be challenged.

When the warm and tender heart of love grows cold and hard, that is the sign of a dying love. It is the end of love, even if the couple refuses to accept it.

Once love is lost, it is difficult to resurrect it. It is possible, but never can it be the same again. The scars of battle will remain no matter how successful is the reconciliation. The scars always remind us of the pain suffered in the past. I know a good man who has a couple of nasty scars on his forehead. They are not nice to look at, but I don't dare ask him what happened for fear of offending him. One thing sure, however, is that he must have bled a whole lot before he was stitched up. Those scars are constant reminders of some past pain. In the same way, we carry the scars of past emotional and psychological hurt.

Part VII -- When love fails (last part)

Loneliness is not reserved for the singles who are unsuccessful in finding a partner. The worst kind of loneliness is that of a married person who is trapped in a relationship that is no longer working.

Love is wonderful when it succeeds. It is hard to find a greater high than the one which is felt at the height of a love experience. But the reverse is also true. Few unhappy feelings are more terrible than what one experiences when love fails and bites the lover in the heart. This is especially true when one has a family and can not find a way out of the relationship. That trapped feeling is a sure sign that the relationship has struck the rocks and is in danger of sinking. Happy lovers never feel trapped. Though they are locked in love's warm embrace, they feel free because all is going so well. It is when things spin out of control that they get that trapped feeling and tend to break out. Anyone in such a relationship for an extended period of time should know that unless something happens soon to fix the situation, the end is approaching.

Such a couple will have a lot of unresolved issues which will tend to suck the life out of their love. Everyone has problems, but it is the inability to resolve these problems that causes a relationship to break down. Partners caught up in long drawn out battles over recurring issues that never seem to get resolved find that they become weakened by the constant hassles and the drive to move forward is lessened. Couples who cannot resolve important issues should never proceed to the altar until they can manage their problems. To do so, is marital suicide.

The last two red flags are quite obvious. The first is when you find yourself

wanting to hurt your partner, and when you do so, you don't feel sorry for the pain you caused. To inflict pain on someone you claim to love and not feel sorry about it is nonsense. You never purposely hurt the one you say you love. That simply makes no sense at all.

The last red flag that indicates big trouble in a relationship is wanting to be with someone else. You cannot give your heart to another and still love your partner. You can tell me you love them both and that might be true, but in our society, you need to choose and give only to one. The other is the outsider.

Though this ends this series of danger signs that one needs to watch for if one is to keep love solid and healthy, there are others too that will pop up now and then. The trick is to stay alert and move quickly when one sees a red flag making its appearance.

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 No need for words - By Bob Garon

ONE sure sign of deep love between two persons is the sensitivity to each other's needs. When two people fall in love, there is a desire to please that is born. The man perceives his beloved as very precious, somebody to cherish. So, he wants to do everything to keep his newfound love.

Consequently, he does all in his power to prove to his woman that he cares. He tries to keep one step ahead of her in answering to her needs. When he feels that she is thirsty, he invites her to drink, even before she asks. If he senses she would like to visit her auntie, whom she loves so much, he suggests that they visit her. And she is surprised because he is so aware of her feelings. She is touched because of his sensitiveness to her desires.

When this kind of sensitivity is reciprocal, it is one of the driving forces that cause people to treasure each other. Perhaps, it is because we all feel so important, so loved when another seems to be so in tune with us that he/she is aware of what we are thinking and feeling even if we never express our thoughts and sentiments.

Lovers quickly develop this ability to "read each other's thoughts and feelings." They even catch themselves saying the same words at the same time. In other words, they are both on the same "wave length." This is because they are so focused on each other that they develop a mysterious ability to see into each other. And because they love so deeply, there is a driving desire to please by giving to the beloved what he/she desires even before being asked.

If this is so, and it is, the reverse is also true. When two people begin to fall out of love, they become insensitive to each other. Or, if they sense their mutual needs, the desire to please is no longer there. Hence, they are seemingly "turned off" to each other. Even the most basic emotional needs are not attended to. There is a hardening of hearts that is slowly taking place. The reservoir of willingness to please, which was so strong during their days of intense loving, is drying up.

The other day I was talking to a couple in trouble. There were many undercurrents of hostility coming from both of them. And what was so clear was that neither one of them had any intention to please the other. Needless to say that their marital days are numbered. They cannot possibly go on this way indefinitely. When one of them reaches the breaking point, the end will be at hand.

If you want to know how deeply you love and are loved, then, this sensitivity is a true measure of it. If your beloved is always one step ahead of you in answering to your own needs, then his love for you is great. If you are not as quick to do the same, then, you should question yourself about the intensity of your love. Love is always translated from feeling into action. When it isn't, you can begin to question its genuineness.

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 All About Sex - - By Bob Gabron

Most parents will tell you that they find it difficult to talk to their teenagers about sex. They don't hesitate to bring up just about every other topic except sex.

Maybe it is because their own parents treated talk about sex as so taboo that they came to accept it as such. Their discomfort is so great that they simply cannot seem to bring themselves to saying much about it except "Don't do it. It's bad and it will get you into all sorts of trouble."

As far as daughters are concerned, the major fear is pregnancy. Or worse, pregnancy that leads to an ill-advised, premature marriage that everyone knows has little chance of success. So the warning is given: "Whatever happens, don't get pregnant!"

The physical aspects of sex which one or the other parent, (preferably both) should talk about to the youngster are really less important than other more important dimensions. Besides, there is a very good chance that the kids already know more than enough about "how to do it." Most likely, friends or videos or the Internet have gotten to them before you. In today's world, there are more than enough sources for youngsters to get that kind of information.          

What is much more important to talk about is the context of sex and sexual decisions. We live in a time when sex has lost its sacredness. When cheap sex is talked about, easily seen in movies, videos and the Internet. The abundance of sex everywhere can make youngsters feel very liberal about it. Don't be fooled, there are countless crazy ideas about sex out there all trying to crowd into your teener's mind. Nutty concepts of love where sex plays a much greater role than it ever should. Where premarital sexual activity is seen as the norm and abstinence the exception. Where strong pressure is brought to bear on young people to jump into bed as part of the love ritual. Where young people have come to expect premarital sexual activity and when it doesn't happen, they feel weird and abnormal.

It is amazing how much playing around is going on, not only in the big cities, but even in the remote barrios. There is a general relaxing of sexual mores such as this country has never before seen. And our youngsters are caught up in the midst of it all. Most of them are vulnerable because of a lack of firm convictions and clear directions when it comes to sexual matters. As a result, they are prone to making some very poor sexual decisions.

Young people worry about what they personally should DO about sex, about what role sex should play in their lives. Teenagers don't simply want to be told about what not to do about sex. They want responsible talk about sex, not cold pronouncements about the don'ts. This is why almost all teeners believe they can't talk to their parents about sex. (Could you?) This is why they end up talking to their friends about it and getting all kinds of cockeyed concepts about it. Young people hope their parents talk to them about sex, but they don't expect it. It's like "I wish they did, but forget it. They won't."

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  Maintenance - By Bob Garon

IF you want to have and maintain a beautiful and meaningful relationship/marriage, you will have to exert a lot of effort. Falling in love is so easy that you don't even have to try. It just happens. Keeping that love alive and vibrant over the years is something else.

You just don't fall in love and forget it. There are too many people who believe that their love is enough to carry them through. Not so. Love is great in creating an initial momentum.

New love is exciting, overwhelming even. It can make your heart skip a beat. It can cause you to believe that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that cannot be overcome. That your love not only can but will conquer all. No question about it in the minds of the lovers.

If that is so, why do so many relationships fail? Why so many broken marriages and mediocre and unhappy marriages that simply limp along, lifeless and bleeding?

The truth is that, like a delicate plant, love needs to be nurtured and paid close attention to. It needs to be carefully monitored. The smart couple that is knowledgeable about love knows this and takes steps to preserve their love. They know, however, that to keep their love, they must cause it to constantly grow. Letting it stand still means sure death. If love does not grow, it dies. There is no question about that. Love that holds its level of intensity is getting ready for a fall. Love must remain in a permanent state of intensification if it is to remain dynamic. There is no middle way for deep loving. It's either up or down. Nothing in between.

Lovers who are aware of this are constantly courting like young lovers. They are always looking for ways and means of increasing their love. They are creative in their loving. Letters, notes, flowers, surprises and anything that can give love a boost. It's what makes love so fascinating, so satisfying and so seemingly indestructible.

Still, love is fragile. Like a piece of fine glass, it must be handled with care. Love can absorb a lot of punishment, but not without leaving some ugly scars. And a love that is pockmarked with unsightly scars is a love that is not truly valued by the lovers. Hurt might fade, but memories remain.

If a marriage is to be deeply valued and appreciated, it must be a courtship for life. When the courtship stops after the wedding, love can carry on for a while. Because of the momentum created by those breathtaking days when love was fresh and pursued with vigor, love can survive on those good feelings, but, with time, it will fade if not constantly renewed and reinvigorated.

Too many couples count on past memories of the good times to keep generating new sprouts of love. Perhaps for some. Perhaps for a couple of years even. If, however, love isn't continuously weeded and reenergized, it will get sick and eventually die. I have seen it happen countless times.

Lovers who want to keep their love vibrant need to remain vigilant and be ready to put a lot of creative effort and time pushing their love to new and greater heights. Up or down. It's the only way for love.

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 The death of love - Bob Garon

NEVER tell someone he/she is not in love because it's an exercise in futility. Regardless of all the facts that you can come up with, lovers will never agree with you.

They say that the heart has reasons that reason cannot know. Whoever said that must have been caught up in an unreasonable love. An unreasonable love is one which most persons judge to be toxic and consequently unworkable in the long term.

Any love, even the most fragile kind, can last for a while. There is something in the initial exhilaration and excitement that love provides that creates a momentum that can carry a relationship forward. Love's initial push can be quite strong even in incompatible love. This is why unreasonable love can survive, even flourish, for a while. Sooner or later, however, it wilts and dies.

When the death of a love occurs, there is a sudden awakening, like the lights going on in one's head, and things quickly become clear. Now, the true nature of the relationship is seen. There is an admission that this love was a terrible mistake and that it should never have happened. In the heat of early love, however, the lovers are blinded by the power of their feelings. Reason is pushed into the background while the tremendous joy that love generates overshadows reason. It is only when the mist, the blur that beginning love creates dissipates that the true situation is revealed and the lovers start looking into each other and discover things that they totally overlooked before. This is when the weaknesses of love gets exposed. This is when the lovers get a reality check. This is also when doubts may set in as the lovers start questioning their love and each other.

This is especially true if couples had short courtships. Love causes lovers to desire to posses the beloved. In their haste, countless lovers refuse to give their relationship a second look. They refuse to probe and double check their love. Sometimes it is because they fear finding something wrong that will cause the relationship to weaken and eventually collapse. Sometimes it's just great haste and a feeling of "This is it. It can't be wrong because we are truly made for each other."

It's amazing how sappy lovers are when it comes to checking out their relationship. Undoubtedly it's because they fear finding something that will shake up their love. Mostly though, I think it's because the feelings of love are so great, so powerful that they virtually wipe out fear and doubt. Love gives one such a sense of security that the lovers feel no need to check things out.

It is just such blind trust that causes so many to make such horrible mistakes which they often regret for the rest of their lives.

(pasted from: http://www.manilatimes.net/national/2008/apr/03/yehey/life/20080403lif4.html)

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  4 Instant Intimacy Boosters  Posted Tue, Jan 22, 2008, 11:02 am PST
  - BY David Zinczenko 

The new couple research can save your marriage-before it starts.

It's clear--more than half of us are not only bad at marriage, we're lousy at divorce. We're still doing it in record numbers, but we don't seem to be learning a thing from the experience: 60 percent of second marriages fail as well. After we face the failure, dry the tears, and explain it all to the kids, we still don't know how to make relationships work.

So if we don't learn from our failures, is it possible to learn from others' successes? With this in mind, a number of researchers began a long-term look at marriage to discover what makes the good ones work. They examined every facet of marital interaction, videotaped every revealing nuance of communication, measured physiologic activity from pulse rate to electrical conductance of skin. Their findings provide nothing short of a blueprint for successful marriage.

Charting the marriage map

Twenty years as a marital therapist made it clear to Liberty Kovacs, Ph.D., that relationships unfold through time--a concept curiously absent in most views of marriage. But it was the lack of any guidelines for helping couples in distress that set her off in search of a framework for assessing their problems. Using her own empirical research, she developed a system to chart the marital relationship as it progresses (and always comes close to undoing) to accommodate two people who are themselves evolving as individuals.

Drawing theoretical bravado from group dynamics as well as psychodynamics, theories of adult development, and family systems, Kovacs contends that marriages evolve through six distinct stages toward intimacy and mutuality. Each of these passages poses specific challenges to individual and couple development. Yet while the progress may thus be predictable, says Kovacs, head of the Center for Marriage and Family Therapy in Sacramento, California, it is definitely not smooth.

The length of a marriage is no guide as to what sort of issues a couple may be stumbling over; some may stay stuck on a single issue for decades. And the development doesn't proceed in a linear fashion from one stage to the next; rather it is cyclic. "When a couple is hit with stress at any point, they may go back to an earlier stage," she says. All, however, face power struggles in the middle stages, and even the best don't see the dawn of mutuality--that easy flow of support and intimacy--before 10 to 15 years.

The most important indicators of individual stages are emotional themes and interaction patterns. In the first stage for example--the mooning, spooning, Juneing phase--the marital partners see each other as perfect and identical. This is necessary for developing a sense of belonging and trust in each other's commitment to an evolving relationship. Yet as renewed career goals or signs of external interests emerge--as they must--the other partner may view it as betrayal. The task is then to start down the rocky road of accepting differentness as enhancing the relationship.

Similarly, in the second stage, couples experience individual change as disappointment, anxiety, and self-doubt: a "What's wrong with me?" attitude. Together, their task is to draw a distinct boundary between themselves as a unit and the rest of the world that impinges on it. It takes a strong sense of couplehood to face what happens next.

Over the next three stages, as partners' interests diverge and develop independently, earlier efforts at accommodation now fall by the boards. Typically, each tries to control the other--a classic power struggle with all the accusation they can muster. Not only do they not agree on anything, they feel that they have lost any connection with each other. This may scare them, but they are more afraid to let down their defenses lest they be controlled by the other. What's needed is not just the ability to recognize differences but finding new ways of negotiating them--ways of expressing themselves without crushing the other. What more often happens is that she rails while he stomps out of the house.

These scenes may be reenacted for years, even decades, as both play out patterns of behavior absorbed from parents. Likewise, it takes a great deal of time to find strategies to break through such entrenched patterns. Help takes many forms: finding ways of direct self-expression and labeling of feelings--statements that begin "I feel" rather than "He/she always does..."--and reviewing the family of origin to assess what attitudes and behaviors to keep, what to pitch.

By stage four, one or the other may be feeling the impulse to run away from the relationship. "I want time for myself" and "I need some space," are laments that delineate the discontent. Kovacs feels that separations at this point are good if they allow the partners to "figure out who I am and what I want."

But one spouse may already be searching for other partners or actively engaging in an affair. Kovacs calls that a diversion from the real issue--finding and completing one's self. Another relationship only switches the focus to someone else's needs.

If couples survive the struggles for nurturance, for power, for self, they then enter stage five--the promised land of reaching towards intimacy. "At this point, couples have a full identity to share," and by stage six realize they can separate and reconnect without losing that identity.

Kovacs firmly believes that marriage is essential for growth and individuation--the elaborating of a distinct self. "First we grow in relation to our parents, then our peers, and then another adult. Only stable, enduring relationships allow individual growth to take place. We need to develop enough trust in a partner for the hidden parts of ourselves to surface. It takes years into a relationship."

Redefining marriage

Viewing marriage as a process that unfolds in stages does far more than clue therapists how to help, it gives couples cause for hope even in the midst of misery, relieves some of the anxiety that they are not happy now, and gives them an agenda for working out their problems.

In addition, it affords couples a realistic perspective of duration--that relationships don't happen overnight but take time. And it helps people abandon the idea of instant gratification. It clues them that you need to go through life making changes--designing your own marriage.

The new writ of relationships takes as a given that no marriage can be constantly happy over the years. Florence Kaslow, Ph.D., director of the Florida Couple and Family Institute in West Palm Beach and clinical professor at Duke University in Durham, North Carolina, puts it this way: "Each partner's personal development and the normal events of life necessitate continual adaptation, both individually and as a couple."

In a study of 20 marriages lasting 25 years or more, she identified what distinguishes those couples most satisfied with their relationship. The major factor contributing to satisfaction in all couples was joint problem-solving ability--mentioned by 70 percent of both highly satisfied and mildly satisfied couples, and only 33 percent of the unsatisfied. Indeed, it turns up in virtually every longitudinal study of marriage. For Kovacs, it is what enables couples to navigate the passages of relationships. Howard Markman, Ph.D., professor of psychology and head of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, calls it constructive arguing. He finds it is the single biggest predictor of marital success over time.

For the past decade he has been studying 150 couples at yearly intervals (starting before marriage) to identify those factors most responsible for marital success. Couples go through a complete interview, a set of questionnaires, and a talk with each other about the major issues in their lives. The session is videotaped to later observe how couples actually respond and communicate.

"The quality of the couple's communication before marriage is one of the best predictors of future marital success," Markman said in a report to the National Institutes of Mental Health. He calls financial and sexual problems "red herrings"--wrongly blamed for breakups and dissatisfaction. "Many people believe that the causes of marital problems are the differences between people and problem areas such as money, sex, children. However, our findings indicate it is not the differences that are important, but how these differences and problems are handled, particularly early in marriage."

The art of arguing

Couples who are able to successfully resolve problems when they develop have the best chance to go on to a successful marriage. Markman's results indicate that "problems early in marriage worsen over time rather than get better as many couples expect. Rather than viewing differences and conflicts as a sign of incompatibility, couples need to see them as opportunities for developing skills that they can use for the rest of their relationship."

Trouble is, says Markman, couples have no opportunity to learn the necessary communication and problem-solving skills. The few who do were lucky enough to grow up among parents who had them. And while the skills can be learned, he says it is urgent for couples to learn them before problems develop. "We have found that couples are more motivated to work on issues when things are going well than when things are terrible." Besides, most couples early in a relationship form patterns of response that, like shells, harden around them--anger, resentment, depression--and are difficult to change.

So he has developed the five-session Premarital Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) to teach problem-solving skills to about-to-be-married couples. "We teach them the rules and the boundaries for creating constructive conflict." The latest results show that those who learn constructive arguing before marriage have half the divorce rate of those without such training. There are also lower levels of negative communication and two to three times less physical violence. These couples aren't just sticking it out, their satisfaction remains consistently higher than that of the control group as they march through the child-rearing years--a time other studies have shown to markedly reduce marital satisfaction.

For the last three years, Markman has been offering his constructive-arguing program in the Denver area. Not only does the love life of couples improve, there are positive effects on the children, on their self-esteem and social development. "PREP gives kids the ability to manage conflict in relationships, and in themselves. The major point is that relationship discord is a significant risk factor for many forms of psychopathology in adults and children," he says. "Many problems brought to individual psychotherapy are really relationship problems" rather than intrapsychic ones. "First and foremost is depression among women. Our studies show a co-variation of depression and marital problems." The link is the buildup of negative affect.

Managing conflict

As Markman's studies progress, he is focusing more on the dark side of marriage. "People too often look only at the positive side. But what is central to the marital relationship is the ability to manage negative emotions. Thirty to fifty percent of couples are mutually abusive--now that's a sign of poor conflict management. Abuse erupts from the frustration of not being able to manage negative feelings."

Reactions to conflict should be the first line of attack in marital therapy, Markman suggests. But not just any negotiating skills will do. The arguing skills must be learned in the context of the relationship. "Some elements of conflict are relationship-specific," he says. "Marriage has a unique ability to tap into emotional issues from the families of origin."

Men and women handle conflict in radically different ways that subvert the relationship. Men flee, women fight; and they stay stuck in this pattern. Some researchers now believe that men simply have more difficulty than women in handling conflict--a result of early experiences, gender stereotyping, and especially, physiology.

Men feel pain differently, according to John Gottman, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle. His credo is that direct measurements of physiologic response to interaction give a far more reliable picture of what couples are experiencing than merely asking them. His data show that men get more physiologically aroused--their hearts beat faster, they sweat more, and they move more--during marital conflicts, or even just anticipating them.

These signs are so unpleasant that, faced with relationship conflict, men withdraw altogether, a response Gottman calls "stonewalling"--in which the listener presents a stone wall to the speaker. They don't move the face much, avoid eye contact, hold the neck rigid, and fail to give the usual listener responses. When a husband stonewalls, communication ends and marital satisfaction plummets. At first he physiologically withdraws; later, he withdraws emotionally. He becomes overwhelmed by his wife's emotions and avoids any conflict with her. She responds by trying to re-engage him--advancing as he withdraws, setting up an escalating pattern of anger and frustration. Miserable as it is, if couples stay in this pattern, there's some hope. But if the wife counter-defends herself by withdrawing, then essentially the couple is leading separate, parallel lives--heading down two tracks that never intersect. Men pay a high price for their escapist behavior: It precludes any hope for intimacy.

Accentuating the positive

While learning better methods of conflict management may be necessary for happiness, it is not sufficient to ensure it. There's more to a good marriage, and that, every study shows, is a whole lot of "positive affect"--the expression of affection that keeps the couple at a high level of satisfaction. "Marital conflict by itself is not destructive for a marriage if it also includes positive affects such as humor, positive problem-solving, agreement, assent, empathy, and active non-defensive listening," Gottman found in his studies.

In Kaslow's Florida study, couples married 25 years or more were asked to cite the factors they believed contributed to the longevity of their marriage. Forty percent of the satisfied couples stated that they "have fun" together and treasure it. What's more, both partners agreed it was an element in their satisfaction. Among the couples only mildly satisfied or unsatisfied, fun, humor and playfulness were not even part of the picture. "A great deal of expressed affection" was high on the list of essential ingredients for a good marriage.

"All the positive stuff has to be there," says Markman of his own study findings. "Attraction. Love. These create a commitment to work at marriage."

At the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, where a major study of 373 new couples is now in its fourth of six years, the picture on positiveness is clearly outlined by Elizabeth M. Douvan, professor of psychology and research scientist at the Institute for Social Research. She found that "affective affirmation"--the communication of loving attitudes--is "by far the strongest predictor" of marital quality.

Affective affirmation of the self--unconditional approval from one's mate-through nonverbal exchange is so powerful in marriage, Douvan finds, that it brings about a remarkable transformation, what her team calls "accommodation." Each person winds up moving toward the spouse's innermost ideal of a partner. "If he is accepted for the way he is," says Douvan, "he winds up doing things her way. And she moves toward his way."

From the collective efforts of researchers, there is a model of marriage evolving that sees the relationship as a dynamic process of constructing a shared reality. Conflict is a major arena for marital communication and relationship negotiation. Styles of conflict are all-important, and good styles can be learned--the earlier the better. The points where people fail can now be mapped, and clinical researchers are pinpointing where and how help is needed. As Denver's Howard Markman puts it: "I'm optimistic about the future of marriage."

The Six Stages of Marriage

1. Romance (Honeymoon) Fusion

2. Expectations Compromise

3. Power Struggle Control

4. Seven-Year Itch Competition

(regardless of time married)

5. Reconciliation Cooperation

6. Acceptance Collaboration

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Parenting in a Digital Age

Linda didn't become an online child safety expert because she found stalking internet predators a thrilling way to pass the time. She became on online child safety expert because of the four children she had at home.

Linda's Story

"When it comes to internet safety, parents have all the skills they need, even if they don't think they do."

As long as parents understand safety, they have the knowledge to parent through today's digital age. I always say parents don't know how to skateboard, but even though you don't skateboard yourself, you know that your kids need a helmet, elbow pads, knee pads, that they shouldn't be doing it in the middle of the road. We know basic safety principles, and those principles just need to be applied online.

There is so much fear-based messaging that leaves parents feeling like, "Wow, unless I am a super whiz on technology, I will never figure this out." Being a whiz on technology, being able to code in C++, doesn't make you safer. Parents should feel empowered and they should know that they are the parent and it takes parenting.

"I am a Momma of the internet generation."

I have two boys and two girls between the ages of 16 and 26. I have sat my kids down and talked to them about internet safety. I have had them roll their eyes at me and think I am a paranoid freak. They certainly have tried all of their tricks, and I have had to sit down and have some difficult conversations. I've had to talk to one son about looking at on-line pornography -- that is one fun conversation for a single mom. He wanted to melt through the floor, and I wanted to melt through the floor as well. But they are necessary conversations. Kids aren't going to want to hear a lot of it, and they are going to protest at times, but it doesn't mean they don't listen.

"It's not popular to take away the internet, but parenting isn't a popularity contest."

I have removed access from different kids at different times when they did not seem to be able to manage well enough in the internet environment. I've had the computers in a public place. When my younger son started blogging, I said, "Let's have some ground rules. If the blog is going to be public, I am going to go through it with you and make sure that you haven't exposed yourself, the house, or the family in any way. If you make it private and restrict who can have access to it, then I am comfortable in not reviewing it in the same way. You can have your secrets with your friends as long as we know it is just with your friends. If it goes broader than that, if it is going to go public, then Mom is going to go through the whole thing."

It was he choice to say, do I want this site public so that mom is patrolling it or do I want it private but accessible to a wide set of friends. We discussed the level of trust and risk trade off. He decided to go with a more private blog, and we discussed who was on it. Parents should say, "I am not here to violate your privacy, but I am here to ensure your safety, so let's sit down and discuss who you're talking to online."

"It has to be an absolute, hard fast rule that a child will never meet an online friend with out talking to their family first."

We know that most kids are only going to meet other kids, but we also know from FBI data that if a child meets a predator, the predator has a 93 percent success rate in abusing the child. It is critically important that children or adults don't go and meet up with new people without having proper safe guards in place. It is great to meet new people, but they have to make sure that those safe guards are in place.

My older son was very active in a chat group about cars, and he wanted to meet and help someone who had a car like his. My son wanted to drive to a city that is about 40 miles away. Of course, all these warning signs went off in my head. I told him that I was going to go with him, and you can imagine how popular that idea was. We negotiated a compromise. He had to keep his cell phone on the whole time, he had to give me the address in advance, and he had to call me as soon as he was there. He also had to let me call him periodically while he was there. My son really wanted to go and help this other person, so we negotiated what that took. That is parenting.

"Using other kids' social networking pages helps keep your kid from feeling attacked or criticized."

Kids social network, that is how they meet that cute guy who is a friend of their cousins, so they should sit down and have a conversation about social networking sites. It is not bad to have a social networking site. When I talk to my kids, I don't start by looking at my child's site. We start by going to other people's sites, so in Myspace we go out together and start looking at profiles. We talk about what is at risk and what is safe about the different sites we come across. Can I see the person's real name? Are they using the suggested nickname? What has this person done that exposes them in pictures or in text or in comments that other people are leaving? You may not realize all the information that a snapshot can convey. As long as we are talking about a third person, it doesn't feel like an attack on the child. Then what I gave my kids 24 hours for them to evaluate and change their site and then we reviewed it.

"Spotting risks, once you have learned it you know it, once you have taught your kids they know it, becomes second nature."

With four kids and two X-Boxes and three TVs, and everyone with a cell phone, it doesn't seem manageable, and the first time through, it is a big undertaking. But so was driving a car. If you remember the first time trying to drive a car, especially if it was manual, you had to look in every direction, you had the clutch, the brake, and you had to look in these damn mirrors and all of the things with trying to learn to drive a car. It was exhausting, but you quickly got the hang of it. It became really automatic.

The internet changes the way you parent only by expanding the number of things you need to watch. You are already watching them cross the street, you are already watching them do other things, you now have to watch and teach them the internet. It is just one more tool. You teach them how to use a knife in the kitchen, and how not to put their thumb where the hammer is going to go. The internet is just one more tool.

"In my career, I've had to deal with the ugliest of the internet. But I've also learned that the internet itself is not a bad thing."

One thing I have on my website is Ask Linda Your Safety Question. A lot of the time people just want to know if their nicknames are okay, so I try to help people protect themselves. That's also what I've done with my book, Look Both Ways: Help Protect Your Family on the Internet, of which 20 percent of the revenue goes to the International Center for Missing and Exploited Children. It's a great thing to teach people how easy it is to be safe.